I was meditating in the Christmas story last night, thinking through the beautiful words and truth. I love that when we memorize Scripture we are able to spend time in them while our eyes our closed. Even when I’m falling asleep, the Holy Spirit can be illuminating my understanding of the passages hidden in my heart. What a perfect picture of Psalm 63:6: “When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches.”
Last night, I was intrigued by the idea that the conversation between Mary and Gabriel in Luke 1 is a helpful example of communication in marriage. In it we have a conversation between a person who is to lead (Gabriel as a messenger from God), and person who is to submit (Mary). What special lessons I was gleaning from this text, memorized over a decade ago and still living and powerful in my heart today (Hebrews 4:12). Here are some of the things I observed:
- Gabriel addressed Mary’s fear with gentleness.
- Gabriel made the conversation a safe place for Mary’s questions.
- Mary ask_e_d her question respectfully.
- Mary submitted in faith.
Gabriel addressed Mary’s fear with gentleness. Gabriel comes into to the scene with Mary and declares, “Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!” (Luke 1:28). I’m sure Gabriel was looking forward to seeing the look of excitement on Mary’s face when he would tell her the news that she would fulfill Isaiah’s prophecy, “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel (Isaiah 7:14).” All of Heaven had been waiting for the Messiah to be born, and Gabriel was chosen to share the message for the very first time that the time had come! Not only was Mary highly favored to be the first one to hear it, but she was the chosen woman to bear the Messiah. Gabriel has entered the scene with excitement and is bursting to share the news of the Messiah. However, instead of the brightness of excitement, confusion and fear shadowed Mary’s face.
If this were a conversation between two imperfect human beings, Gabriel may have responded in a very different way to Mary’s confusion and fear than we see in the text. Haven’t you ever tried to tell someone some exciting news and been disappointed by their reaction? Husbands can do this to their wives, parents can do this to their children, leaders can become angry and frustrated when their excitement is not shared. “Did you hear me?” “What is your problem?” “Fix your attitude.” I know I’ve said some of these things to my kids in conversations like this. But Gabriel does not respond in anger, impatience, or frustration. He addresses Mary’s fear with gentleness and explains his message further.
“Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name JESUS. He will be great, and be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David. And He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.”
Gabriel made the conversation a safe place for Mary’s questions. After addressing her fear with gentleness (notice Gabriel used Mary’s name now instead of “highly favored one”) Gabriel would at last have Mary jumping with excitement. Except that’s not what happened. Instead, Mary is still confused, and asks a question: “How can this be, since I do not know a man?” (1:34).
How could this conversation have gone between two imperfect human beings? Well consider the fact that the prophecy in Isaiah 7:14 specifically says a virgin shall be with child. Consider the fact that there was a precedent for miracle births from the stories of the forefathers (i.e. Sarah, Rachel, Hannah). If Gabriel acted impatiently like we can, he might have deemed the question ignorant and answered harshly. “Hello, you’re talking to an angel here. Where is your faith? I said it would happen, I speak for God, it will happen.” Sounds something like them fightin’ words: “Because I said so.”
Gabriel, of course, answers with patience. He answers her question without rebuking her. “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow you; therefore, also, that Holy One who is to be born will be called the Son of God.” (1:35). He also provides further evidence to encourage her, revealing something to her she probably did not know.1 “Now indeed, Elizabeth your relative has also conceived a son in her old age; and this is now the sixth month for her who was called barren. For with God nothing will be impossible.” (1:36-37).
Mary asked her question respectfully. Not only is Gabriel providing a great example for positive communication in this passage, but Mary is as well. We see she has a submissive heart in verse 38, and Gabriel does not rebuke her at any time for responding improperly as he did Zacharias in verse 20. She provides an example of godly submission in this conversation with her leader, the representative of the Lord. By asking her question, “How can this be, since I do not know a man?” she illustrates something I learned in the first few months of marriage: submission is not silent.
We wives might be tempted to believe that in order to submit to our husbands, we must not voice any concerns, criticisms, questions, comments on our husband’s decisions and leadership at any time. This reminds of the time when I was navigating newlywed life, and wrestling with the best ways to submit to my husband. I asked the Lord for direction. Some verses that guided me are from Proverbs 31: “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her, so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not evil, all the days of her life.” (31:10-11).
Within the first month of marriage, a situation came up in which my husband wanted to make a decision I did not agree with. It was a matter mostly of expense, an item he really wanted that would have been very difficult for us poor newlyweds to afford. I pondered the verses and prayed for wisdom. My husband should be able to trust me with his heart, I should be a positive force in his life. I should in all my actions and words be doing him good, not evil. If I spoke up respectfully, couldn’t I share my concerns in order to support his leadership of our home? Would it really be best to let him make an unwise decision without saying anything at all? I did speak with him about the decision, several times. I prayed for the right words each time and for God to help me be patient for the right timing. I also told my husband that I would submit to his decision even if he made it against my own opinion. After a couple of days, my husband came to me to thank me for speaking up respectfully. He agreed the decision to purchase this item was not wise for us at the time and he was grateful he could trust me to speak up when necessary. We both look back on that situation as a positive story of finding the balance of communication in our marriage.
Back to our story in Luke one, we see that Mary is in a different submission conversation than my personal example. But again, she does not silently listen to the angel and restrain all her questions behind her lips. She asks respectfully the question that is burdening her heart in the moment, and the angel Gabriel answers her gently.
Mary submitted in faith. The conversation has covered a lot of ground in a brief time. Mary understands now what God is planning and her main concern has been addressed. She probably has more questions on the details of this plan (will Joseph believe her, will everyone else believe her, is she pregnant right now) but she doesn’t ask them. Instead of focusing on the things she could be anxious about, she puts her trust in her Leader, her God. “Behold, the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” (verse 38)
I also faced big changes to my life, decided by my leader, that required my submission. In the first year of our marriage my husband broached the topic of moving out of our state to Idaho. I responded in fear and my husband responded with gentle assurance. I asked questions respectfully, and my husband addressed them graciously. I still did not want to move. But as I prayed about the situation, the Lord also led me tenderly and reminded me that there would be times in my life when God would lead my husband and that would be the way He would lead me. He wouldn’t always lead both of us, but if He was leading my husband, He was leading me, because I follow my husband. I came to my husband and said a statement with a similar feeling to Mary’s statement in verse 38. “I will follow you, because I trust you to follow the Lord, and I trust the Lord.” We had many more conversations after that about those details I had in mind, but my communication of submission came before those other details were resolved.
In the same way, Mary submitted once she understood that God was leading. “For with God nothing will be impossible” was enough reassurance for her (verse 37). Whatever other concerns were ricocheting in the back of her mind could wait. She submitted to the Lord in faith.
Conclusion. I’m so grateful to be married to a man who seeks to live for the Lord in his leadership of our home. He recognizes when fear is obstructing our conversation and he guides me gently past it. I ask him stupid questions all. the. time. and he is so patient when he answers them. I’ve also been thankful to see the Lord teaching me how to submit to my husband in ways that include speaking up and submitting on the basis of my trust in my husband and in our God. This Christmas story has become even more precious to me as I consider the lessons we can learn from the conversation of Mary and Gabriel. What else stands out to you in this passage? Have you seen similar, positive examples of leadership and submission in your life?
God bless you,
Rachel Eernisse
1 I found the following webpage helpful in deciding if Mary knew about Elizabeth’s pregnancy before the angel Gabriel mentioned it in their conversation. https://hermeneutics.stackexchange.com/questions/7710/why-did-elisabeth-remain-in-seclusion-in-luke-124/7711#7711